NOTE: The following post was originally published on my fiction website (www.katebitters.com) in the summer of 2015. I am republishing it for two reasons:
1. We are a country teeming with grief right now. Some of us are mourning the loss of loved ones to COVID; others are mourning recent friendship rifts, divisions among family members, or the polarized and fraught state of our nation. In this moment, we all have a lot of grief to process.
2. I’ve been invited to speak on Dr. Mariangela Maguire’s podcast, which focuses on mindfulness, and I thought this blog post was relevant and timely. Tune in on the 28th of this month for our interview!
As always, thank you for reading.
It’s been a while since I’ve published a post (a month, actually). The reason? My life was derailed by the sudden and unexpected death of my partner’s father.
We were left dumbfounded, lost, and laden with grief. None of it made sense. He was here one day–smiling, laughing, running a business, planning a trip to Japan–and gone the next. He had a lot of life left to live, a lot of ground to travel. Surely, this was a mistake. Surely, he would arise from the hospital bed, brush himself off, and ask for the score of his favorite soccer team’s latest game.
His passing shook me to the core. I found myself questioning the importance of my own life–did any of it matter? Was I really making a difference? And I found myself breaking down at odd moments throughout the day and crying uncontrollably. And yet, I had to be a rock for my partner. I had to hold him when he felt weak and listen when he needed an ear.
Through it all, I wrote.
I wrote long, rambling stream-of-consciousness pieces. I filled pages in my sketchbook (which I use for free writing and idea generation; I like the lack of lines and quality of the paper). I found myself thinking in poetry, and I wrote it down.
I know writing helped lift me out of this dark time. It was an outlet for my tangle of feelings.
And it’s something I’ve used in the past to slice through polluted clouds and find a lungful of clear air. I’ve used free writing to cope with troubled relationships, unemployment, and general listlessness. Sure, it doesn’t solve all my problems or change circumstances, but it does clear my head and give me the courage to step forward. And sometimes, that’s all it takes.
People deal with tragedy in different ways. If you’re feeling lost, troubled, depressed, confused, I recommend picking up a pen and paper. Write without judgment or premeditation. Let your emotions do the talking. You might be amazed by what ends up on your paper.
Aside from free writing, I found myself thinking in haikus this past month. I can’t exactly explain why, but I have a hunch that it had something to do with the reliability of haikus. They have a definite structure (three lines, 5-7-5 syllables) and there’s something comfortable in their stability. I ended up calling my haikus the Loss Haikus.
Loss Haiku #1
The shuddering breath
We cry with bodies entwined.
Is he really gone?
Loss Haiku #2
Eyes swollen from tears
Skin draped over tired bones.
Was it me who died?
Loss Haiku #3
Charcoal fog hanging
I bite into the sorrow
and keep on walking
If you are experiencing grief in your life, I hope you’ll take the time (and summon the courage) to face it head-on and process it. May you find fortitude and peace on your journey.
